Retirement

5-22-2012

I retired from teaching on 3-17-2012 (our 23^rd wedding anniversary).  To my surprise I discovered that retirement is not what I thought it would be.  It is sort of similar to anticipating a special vacation.  But when you get to actually go on it the reality does not live up to your expectations.  Here’s what I mean.  Travel is exhausting, I always get sick at some point, I miss whoever I have left behind and living out of a suitcase gets old real quick.  I feel the same way about my retirement, when it finally came, it was not all I had built it up to be in my mind. 

The last couple of years at Columbus State I actually marked off the quarters like a prison sentence in my Day Planner.  I was holding on- just waiting for my time there to be over.  I especially hated the early mornings in winter on clinical days or when I had an eight o’clock lecture.  I would have to leave the house for work in the cold or rain when it was barely light out.  I hated the dysfunctional nursing department and how codependent my co-workers were.   And then there were the rude and disrespectful students.  Not all of them course, but even just a few were enough to ruin it for me for the quarter.  I hated that nothing worked on campus- the audio/visual equipment in the lecture hall, the toilets in the bathroom, the elevator in Union Hall- I could go on, but you get the picture.  Working at Columbus State was an exercise in dealing with constant frustration.   After ten years I was even sick of doing my same lectures.  I was ready for a change!  

Ok, so I am now officially retired.  What does it feel like, what does it look like?  At first it just felt like I was on a break between quarters.  Every quarter runs 15 weeks, followed by a break of anywhere from one to three weeks in duration.  So it felt like just another break at first.  Then I began to feel at loose ends.  It’s like being on a permanent vacation- and not in a good way!

I feel as though I have lost my identity.   For thirty something years I was a nurse, then an administrator and finally a college professor.  Now what am I?  In addition, when my son married and became a parent himself, my relationship with him also changed drastically.  I no longer had my maternal role to augment my professional persona.  In some ways, the ending of my maternal responsibilities made my professional identity even more important.  With it now gone too I am at a loss to define myself.  That feels uncomfortable. 

So, while I am struggling to come to terms with all this, I am simultaneously grappling with a bunch of legal, healthcare and financial affairs that I need to get in order.  Much of it I don’t entirely understand and that makes me feel vulnerable.  When I was an administrator I earned a hefty salary and had a great benefits package.  I didn’t worry about expenses and a budget.  When I changed careers and went into teaching I took a huge salary cut.  But even then, it was a livable wage and it was dependable.  Now my income is in flux and I’m not confident it is sufficient.  So there is anxiety.  But more than that, for the first time since my early twenties, I am not depending on myself- my own earning power- to support myself.   I’m looking to the government and to my pensions and my IRA’s to do that and in this present financial climate, that is less than a sure bet.  If money was not an issue, I would still have the identity crisis to deal with, but as it is I also have financial worries to contend with.

 

The other disconcerting thing about this retirement is what happens to time.  Suddenly all the days blur together.  I never know what day it is and weekends are the same as Mondays!  It’s all very strange.  I’m slowly putting together a schedule of sorts – who knew how crucial schedules were to one’s sense of stability?  So now three mornings a week (Mon-Wed-Fri) Chris and I go to our fitness center and take an aerobics class, followed by a swim in the pool and/or soak in the hot tub.  Tuesdays I have my yoga class and Thursdays is my Celebrate Recovery group.  I am currently taking an online writing course but it ends in a couple of weeks.  We have joined a home group that meets twice a month and of course there is church on Sundays.  This still leaves a lot of empty time, but it’s a start.

What about our business, In Awe Shop?  Well that is a puzzle too.  Maybe it’s the ambivalence that I have felt about it from the start; maybe it’s an unconscious desire to avoid facing the reality that we don’t really know how to move ahead with it.  One thing I do know is that the situation with the business is stressful!  When I was teaching I did not have to focus solely on this, now I do.

So here I am sending out resumes again- something I last did in 2002!  I need to get an online teaching job to offset the cost of our supplemental health insurance and to make up some of the difference from the reduction in my social security (it got cut by $600 a month).  Nothing like a little financial pressure to lighten the mood!  This is not the carefree escape from the working grind I was expecting.  I hope when I next add to this, I am feeling more positive about things.

   

5-23-2012

I remember some years ago I read a book called Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.  In it he said, “What if marriage was not meant to make us happy, but holy?”  What if there is something similar here with retirement?  What if retirement was not meant to make me happy but was meant instead to grow my faith?  What if God wants to use it to change me?  Now this has given me something to think about.  How might this play out?

The first thing that comes to mind is something our pastor said recently about change.  He said change is good.  Otherwise we would stay as we are.  Transformation involves change.  He doesn’t call us to safe, familiar paths.  He calls us into the unknown.  Obedience and risk always go together.  Maybe I need to begin seeing this new phase in my life in this way. 

The second thing I am reminded of is the removal of distractions in my life.  John Eldredge says that the god of this age is busyness.  With so much to keep me occupied, finding time for God in my life has always been a challenge.  I remember when I first lost my job in Little Rock how panicked I was.  But then I came to love that time of quiet and solitude I had with Him alone each day.  I began to unwind and revel in the absence of the stress and pressure in my life.  I was able to do my student teaching practicum at UAMS without the conflict of my job at the state hospital and I found myself again.  I knew I had made the right decision in leaving my career in administration and switching to teaching.  I knew (as in really trusting) God would provide for us financially, and he did even with that six months of unemployment.  I got just enough per diem work with Eli Lilly and Co. doing workshops, coupled with Chris’ job at Sears, to pay our bills.  It became a special time of blessing in my life that I still treasure the memory of.  I think this just might be a similar season. 

So in this slowed down time what do I think God might be trying to show me?  I think one thing might be to find my identity in him, rather than in a role or a title.  I think God might be showing me that what I do is not as important as who I am.  Who did God create me to be?  “In quietness and confidence is your strength” (Is. 30:15).

5-24-2012

Came across another great quote that seems to apply to what I am dealing with and continues the theme of change.  It's from Wayne Jacobsen’s, The Deepest Freedom:  “I wanted him to change my circumstances so I would never have to feel insecure or afraid.  He wants to change me so no circumstance would ever make me afraid again.”